


Summer 1984

by chalametsberm



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-19 03:56:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13696389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chalametsberm/pseuds/chalametsberm
Summary: The summer after the summer with Oliver.





	1. 1

Elio didn’t know if he could take Marzia’s word. She had said friends “pour la vie” but he had not exactly been a great friend to her. With his summer and thoughts being taken up by the constant “Oliver, Oliver, Oliver” in his mind, he didn’t have time for much else. Sure, they had spent time together and gotten to know each other really well, but she could tell he was distant. He thought about the bullshit excuse he had given her when she asked him where he had been. 

Elio thought that she was probably the first one to know. Possibly before him, even. When he led her to the river that night and she asked about Chiara and if he was jealous, he didn’t want to think that it was because she knew. He didn’t even know what he didn’t want her to know, but rather than dwell on that, he ogled her. Marzia had chastised him for doing this, but it felt normal, it felt fun. This was what people his age were supposed to be doing. 

And then, when he returned from the train station, tears clearly on his face, she had said what he didn’t expect. 

“Je taime, Elio.” Elio rolled his eyes. It wasn’t that Elio didn’t love her, but it didn’t’ feel like she loved him. Sometimes, it felt to Elio like Marzia was saying what she thought the right thing to say was. Elio was envious of this. He never knew the right thing to say, not without careful thought at least. 

Now, some time had passed, and he was about to see Marzia again. He was about to go back to the villa where he had spent his childhood, but that didn’t seem to hold any significance. It didn’t after the summer with Oliver, at least. A part of him wished that when he got off the train at B. that he would find the whole village burned down. He wished for the destruction of the place that had destroyed him. If the whole place was new, then maybe the ghost spots would be gone. He would no longer strain to see Oliver’s eyes in his room or smell Oliver on his duvet. It would be a totally new place. 

It wasn’t. Every single thing was the same. Everything was the same in the way that he wished it was true about himself. Over and over again he told himself that nothing had changed after this summer he had had with Oliver, but that wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. Nothing had changed for Oliver, it had seemed. He didn’t know if he could be the same person anymore, but more importantly, he didn’t know if he wanted to be. 

The first day went by in a blur, experiencing the jet lag that he was waiting for coming from the states, and sleeping away most of the night. He woke up every couple of hours, the light in the sky confusing and comforting at the same time. Elio existed in limbo. There was no day or night, there was no season, summer was just beginning, and it was as if the world hadn’t decided if it wanted to commit to the season or not. That’s where Elio was too, he thought. Limbo. Maybe he was reading too much into the nuances of the season, but that was never something he berated himself for before, and he wasn’t about to start now. There was too much else to think about. 

Marzia came over the day before his birthday. Elio had called her, and he was going to, eventually, but being encouraged by his parents was what made him call her so early. He wanted to prolong her promise of friendship and let her break that in her own time. Nevertheless, she agreed, and biked over to their villa. He had suggested they go to the bookstore, because that was a safe and public place, surely, she wouldn’t yell at him there, but she refused. She wanted to talk to him. 

Elio was not good at talking when he didn’t know what the conversation was about. Elio needed to have a lot of time to map out the conversation to have the upper hand. He was a good chess player, but not very good on his feet. He didn’t have much time to dwell on it, though, because Marzia had just biked up in a storm of dust and gravel. 

“Elio, hi.” 

“Ciao Marzia.” Elio put his hand up in greeting, and then both hands up behind his head. He was going to be casual if it killed him. He was approaching this conversation with no fear, because why would he be scared?

“We need to talk about Oliver.” 

Fuck. In the past, Elio had appreciated her bluntness, in the last summer, it turned him on to no end, but in this case, he wanted to scream at her. How dare she just come out and say something like that? How dare she reduce an entire summer of pain and the winter and spring to one sentence? She had no right. 

“What about him? He’s long gone.”

“He called me, Elio.”

Elio wasn’t going to cry. He was not going to cry, that would remove the mask too much. He just pulled a face that said, ‘keep going, but be careful’. 

“Why do you think he called me, Elio?”

Elio didn’t want to guess. Any guess that he could possibly have would give him too much hope. Why would Oliver call Marzia? He never seemed to express any interest in Marzia, he seemed to only want Chiara, but then again, he could have had anyone. That was something that Elio never forgot. Oliver could have anyone. He should feel lucky that he was one of those anyone, if just for some time. Elio had been silent for too long, and Marzia was not going to let him get off easy.

“Elio. Why do you think he called me? Why do you think he went through people to find my number and call me? From the states?”

“I don’t know, Marzia. I don’t know if you’re doing this to get revenge or what, but I get it. I wasn’t good to you, and this is you getting back at me. If he didn’t call me from the states, why would he call you?” 

Elio was rambling. He was at once harsh and piercing with his words and more vulnerable with Marzia than he had ever been. He thought about what she had said about people that love to read hiding a part of themselves. Marzia had dug out the most hidden part of himself, though. The part of himself that he had only ever whispered into Oliver’s pillow. The bitch knew. 

“He called me to ask about you, Elio. He really cares about you.” Marzia had never sounded so sad. She had come close when she asked him if she was his girl, but this was worse. This time, she knew, and more than that, she knew that his interest laid in Oliver. He thought that if he had never met Oliver that he could have loved Marzia and been really happy with her. But that wasn’t possible anymore. He didn’t know how to say this to her, so he didn’t say anything. 

“I meant what I said, Elio, I’m not mad at you about anything. But you can’t treat me like this if you want to be friends with me. I have stuff I hide, too. At least Oliver cares about you.”

Elio choked down a sob, but it came out anyways. “He might have, but he doesn’t anymore.”

“He wanted to know if we were involved. He sounded jealous.”

“What did you say?” 

“I told him the truth. That we had been, but that was in the past.”

“And what did he say?”

“He told me he was sorry. That he was sorry if he had any part of making me sad last summer, that he was feeling sick about it, and that’s why he found my number.”

“Shit, M. I’m so sorry.” 

“You love him, don’t you?”

Elio was fully crying at this point. He knew he was close to a breaking point, but he didn’t realize how close he was. He was at the very precipice of total breakdown, and he didn’t think anything could stop it. 

“He’s the best person that I have ever met.” He had used these words before, to evade any thought that he was involved with Oliver, but now these words ring even more true. In his last semester before college, he had met some people when touring colleges in the states, and he hadn’t met anyone like Oliver. 

Marzia didn’t say anything, she just pulled Elio into a hug. This hug was more than that, though. It was a signed contract. It was “pour la vie” and so much more. They were going to be ok. Elio was going to be ok. 

Elio started another checklist, one of his best ways to calm down. This was a list of people he had that supported him. His parents: check. Vimini: check. Marzia: check. Maybe he didn’t need anyone else. Not for now, at least.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marzia and Elio talk about important issues.

Elio and Marzia were laying in the garden. They had fallen back into a nice rhythm, and things were not awkward between them anymore. They had just gone swimming, and Marzia had come back to sit and read with Elio. They hadn’t talked about Oliver since yesterday, and Elio didn’t know how he felt about that. 

On the one hand, talking about Oliver, thinking about him, his skin, his hands, his feet, his stare that at once was bone chilling was hard. But at this point, memory was all that he had left. That and Billowy. He hadn’t taken Billowy out from his closet since coming back. He was afraid of being too obvious, going around wearing Oliver’s shirt. Elio put his book down, and turned to Marzia, doing what he had not done before, he poked the dragon. 

“How did you know?”

Marzia lazily turned over to be fully facing Elio. “Hmm?” She was so noncommittal, and at the same time so blunt. It infuriated Elio that nothing seemed to get to her, even though he knew that couldn’t be true. He had seen her face fall when he couldn’t tell her she was his girl, but that was the only time. 

“How did you know about me and Oliver?”

“You told me.”

“No, I didn’t what are you talking about-“

“You literally just told me.”

Elio let that hit him. Marzia didn’t even know, and he had bared his entire soul to her. He couldn’t even think about what his face looked like there were so many emotions going across it. She had just found out and she was acting the same as always. Maybe they could be okay, after all. 

“You know just because I forgave you after you were an absolute asshole to me last summer doesn’t mean you don’t have to put any effort into this friendship.”

“Marzia, I’m sorry. I know, my head is all jumbled up.”

“It would just be nice if you would ask me about my life, too. I bet you don’t even know that I’m seeing someone, do you?” 

“No.” Elio looked down. His normal talking rate had slowed down to nothing. He couldn’t understand how he could be so bad at holding a conversation with Marzia, other than the fact that all he could think about was Oliver. Oliver still was the number one thing on his mind. Oliver and his engagement announcement. Oliver and the way he rode his bike around town, the way he seemed to find something about everyone that made them special. That whatever he found in Elio wasn’t special enough. 

“Marzia, I’m sorry.”

“Do you know why I’m not mad at you, Elio? Because I know exactly what you’re going through.” Marzia sounded like she might cry. Not weak tears, though, but angry ones. Ones that were held back for way too long. 

Elio’s instinct was to yell at her. She would never in a million years understand what he went through with Oliver. He didn’t think that anyone in the universe would ever understand, would ever even come close. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think. Sitting up with his legs crossed under him, he asked what he knew he should. 

“You can talk to me.” 

“Do you even know how lucky you are, Elio? You have people. You have people that are there for you no matter what. I don’t have that. Hell, Oliver sure doesn’t, either.” 

“You have people, Marzia.” 

“Not anywhere near like you. I’m like you, Elio.” 

Elio didn’t know what Marzia could possibly mean. Mostly because what she was saying was drowned out by the reflection of what Oliver had said to him over the phone when he announced his engagement. He remembered everything. That was the best thing that Oliver had ever said to him. 

“You’re going to have to give me more information, Marzia. Stop hiding from me.”

Finally, Marzia came clean. The someone she was seeing was her neighbor at her family’s other home. They went to classes together and Marzia was smitten. 

“What’s his name?”

“Amelie.” Marzia didn’t say this with any lack of confidence. Straightforward, as always. 

“Oh?” Elio was surprised, but not really anything else. He hoped it was the right response. 

Marzia continued to explain that they had been awkward around each other for a couple of months, and then, finally, in the spring, they became official. Elio wanted to be happy for her, he really did. Luckily, he didn’t have to be anything, because Mafalda was yelling at him. 

“Elio! Phone call!” 

He had no idea who could be calling. He thought it might be the person that he was supposed to be picking up from the airport, the new graduate student, but that didn’t make any sense. 

As Elio walked through the living room to the kitchen phone and Mafalda, his dad stopped him. 

“Bad news, Ellie- the student had to do a last-minute cancellation. It might just be us this summer.” 

“Really?” Elio was shocked. People literally lined up to try to get this opportunity with his father, and this year, for the first time in fifteen years, there would be no one. It wasn’t like he was expecting a lot from his relationship with whoever it was, but the summer guests did tend to make the drudgery of summer a little more bearable. In fact, he didn’t know what it was like to not have another person in the house, something to think about or someone to kill time with. 

“Elio!” Ah, yes, the phone call he was supposed to be going to. “Do you think calls from the United States are cheap you baboon?”

The United States. Who could be calling him from the United States if not him? He didn’t want to get his hopes up. He just decided to pick up the phone and see what happened. Settling down in the chair by the fire, he remembered the conversation he had with Oliver at this very seat before over the winter. 

He took the phone from Mafalda, who rolled her eyes and walked over to the kitchen to keep making her food. He could hear her grumbling, but there were more important matters at hand. 

“Hello?”

“Hi, Elio.”

“Oliver?”

“I was worried you didn’t want to talk to me.” 

“Why would you say that?”  
“It took you so long to come to the phone, and the engagement, it just felt like I couldn’t talk to you again.” 

Elio rolled his neck. He needed to get more oxygen to his brain, but nothing was working. He was jiggling his foot as he was trying to come up with a response that didn’t sound too desperate. 

“That could never be true, Oliver.” Before Oliver could say anything, he had an idea. The lack of a graduate student meant that there wouldn’t be anyone in the villa this summer. There was an opening. “What are you doing this summer?”

Oliver chuckled, probably at how fast this question came out of his mouth. “This summer? Why, Elio? You’re not tired of me?

“Never. Come back to the villa. Our graduate student bailed and we have the room free.” 

“Our room, you mean?” 

“I didn’t want to assume.” 

Oliver took a pause. Elio didn’t want to imagine that he was possibly imagining this, but his parents were distracting him. They had heard him offer this to Oliver and they were both giving him enthusiastic thumbs up and jumping up and down. He tried to shoo them away, but he couldn’t 

“When do you want me to come?”

Elio didn’t think that he heard Oliver right. There was too much going on. 

“What?”

“When do you want me to come?”

“As soon as possible, please.”

Elio’s dad took the phone and explained that he would send over a ticket and have everything arranged for the earliest flight and that we would be picking him up ourselves, he didn’t have to worry about calling a taxi. Then, Elio’s dad handed the phone back to Elio. Elio couldn’t bring himself to say anything, but he didn’t have to, Oliver did. 

“See you soon, Oliver.” Then a dial tone. It was happening, but this time, maybe there wouldn’t be any missed days. Elio decided that he would not let them lose any days this time.


	3. Dance Hall Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elio goes out dancing to kill time. See notes at the end.

Elio looked up at his parents. He knew that they had some idea about what was going on between them and that his father was not angry, but he never expected this. Well, now that he was thinking about it, he didn’t exactly know what this was going to be at all. All he knew was that when he thought about last summer, he thought about how he would go through everything all over again in a heartbeat. Sure, they had wasted time, but it maybe wasn’t wasted at all because he was still spending time in the same area as Oliver was. 

He didn’t want to give himself a chance to think that maybe when Oliver came back things could be the same. It wasn’t possible, he was engaged. Oliver was engaged to be married and this was probably his last summer of freedom before he had to live the life that his parents and everyone else expected him to live. Elio thought that this might be his last summer of freedom as well. It was his last summer before leaving his parents to go to university in the states, to be on his own for the first time. He remembered when he got in to the school, he thought that he maybe wouldn’t be alone, since Oliver would be in the same state. That was a ridiculous thought, though. 

Elio thought that maybe he should do something special for Oliver’s return, to show him how much it meant to him that he was willing to come back. Oliver always said that he loved his time at their villa, and would absolutely come back if there was a way for him to do so. He never expected that this would be so soon. Elio never thought that he would say yes. It was such short notice that no reasonable person could expect someone to be able to drop everything and fly to a different continent, but Oliver could. 

Elio bounded up the stairs and went to his room, which would soon be transformed into Oliver’s room. It wasn’t going to be transformed that much, but Oliver tended to put the beds together, and Elio didn’t grant himself that luxury. Elio pushed the beds together, and while doing so, saw the blank space on the wall where the postcard was. Ah, the postcard. When the other resident, Maynard, had sent it, it meant practically nothing to him. Just a normal show of thanks that he had learned to expect from other guests, and he didn’t give it much thought. Now that it was gone, it was everything to him. It was his anchor to Oliver, and the one thing that Oliver had that was a physical reminder of him. 

Elio wondered absently where Oliver kept it, or if he had kept it at all. In the back of his mind, he hoped that if the postcard was not out of Oliver’s sight, then maybe he would not be forgotten in his mind. Oliver was everything that Maynard wasn’t, which made it all the more interesting that this is what he took. Oliver was someone that Elio took with him everywhere he went. Not only that, Oliver was everywhere he went; on every street corner, at every fork in the road, he was there. 

Elio’s dad popped his head into the room to tell him that he had booked a flight for the next day. Oliver would be arriving in a little over twenty-four hours. Elio didn’t know if he could wait that long. Then he remembered that he had waited seventeen long years to meet him for the first time, he could go for another twenty-four hours for time he never dreamed he would get. 

“Ellie Belly, maybe call Marzia and see what she’s doing tonight, huh? She’s a good friend to you, and you don’t want to lose her.” 

Elio wasn’t surprised that his dad wanted him to go out and be social. He had already expressed concern that Elio was going to go away to college and be a shut in with no friends. Elio did call Marzia, though, to see what she was doing. She said she was going out with a group of friends. 

“Dancing?”

“Yes, Elio, like we always do.”

Elio didn’t know if he should invite himself. Last summer, and the years beforehand, he would have immediately gotten on his bike and found himself meeting everyone at the dance hall, but now he wasn’t sure. 

“Can I-”

“Are you coming or what? I’m leaving in five.”

Elio was relieved, once again that he was friends with someone that saw right through him. Sometimes, it was the worst thing in the world, but, for the most part, it was a huge weight of his shoulders. 

“I’ll see you soon.”

Elio hung up the phone and slid his way down the hallway. He hadn’t gone out dancing in a while, it was good to warm up before being seen in front of people. He viewed dancing in the same way he viewed conversations with people whose opinions he cared about: he had to be several steps in front of them in order to anticipate his own next move. 

Elio skidded his bike to a stop at the familiar dance hall and saw everyone he expected to see from his small town of B., and one unfamiliar face. He didn’t think about it too much, he took out a cigarette and casually lit it as he walked over to the tables. He didn’t want to think about how last summer he had watched Chiara and Oliver dance from the same chair he was sitting in, because that was a confusing memory for him. 

He didn’t necessarily hate the idea of them together, in fact, it was something that more often than not turned him on, but he didn’t really like to think about it either. He decided to go for as casual of a look as possible and lean back in his chair with the cigarette brand that Oliver had introduced him to. He stopped thinking about Oliver for a second when he saw Marzia start to dance to Self Control by Raf. He diddn’t know if he liked this song, but that could have been because it didn’t have the imprint of Oliver on it. 

The song switched to Magic by The Cars, and a hand grabbed him off of his chair to bring him to dance. That hand was Marzia’s. As they were dancing, she got close to him to talk into his ear so he could hear him.

“This is Amelie.”

“What?”

“Amelie, who I was telling you about earlier!”

Ah, the face that he didn’t recognize was Amelie. Marzia went to pull her over and he barely held back a grimace as they kissed on the dance floor. 

“It’s nice to meet you!” Elio was yelling, partly to make sure that Amelie heard him, and also to seem like he was actually happy for Marzia. He was, he was pretty sure. Part of him would always be in love with Marzia, like his feelings were split up into a pie chart, but that part would always be eclipsed by his feelings for Oliver. 

Elio wanted to walk away and not think about the fact that the only time Oliver ever kissed him in public was the second to last time they kissed. And frankly, the second to last time they might ever kiss at all. Elio did not want to cry at the dance hall. That was something that he was not going to allow to happen. He put a finger up at Marzia and her posse and walked away to smoke. He thought about just leaving, he didn’t think anyone would notice. Then he remembered that he pretty much “Irish goodbye’d” Marzia the entirety of last summer and owed her at least a goodbye. 

He gave himself the luxury of finishing the cigarette and taking his time with stomping it out. Every single ember, letting it manifest as every single spark of hope he had that this time it would be different with Oliver and it wouldn’t have to end the way it did before. It didn’t have to have expiration dates. He didn’t know how he was going to manage by not counting down the days this time. 

All of a sudden, he hated himself for being so, so dumb. He literally invited this to happen. He invited Oliver over and forced himself into the same painful situation. What kind of a sadist was he, anyways? And his parents not only encouraged it, but made it happen. He grimaced. Going down that path of thought was even stranger and he didn’t need to think about it. 

He walked back over to Marzia and the group of people he felt almost no friendship towards. He probably should, since he grew up with them, but it just wasn’t there. With one eye closed and a grimace, he said bye to Marzia, all of a sudden self-conscious if he should kiss her on the cheek or not. He decided to go for it, anyways, and it seemed like the right thing to do. Amelie was expecting the same, which is what he did before walking away quickly to his bike. 

“Ciao, Marzia.”  
He biked back from the hall confused about why he was so jealous of Marzia. He wanted to be over her. It would serve him well if he was, but it appeared that he was not. She was not out of his system, and that was going to throw a wrench in his plans of purely platonic friendship with her. Well, it appeared that Amelie was doing that for him, there was no chance of them going back to their summer fling if Amelie was going to be in the picture, and it seemed like she was going to be. 

When he got back to the villa, he had to decide if he was going to sleep in his room or not. A part of him felt it would be considerate if he just slept in his summer room, not what was going to become Oliver’s room as the sheets were freshly cleaned by a giddy Mafalda that was more than thrilled to have Oliver coming back. She was already talking about all the new recipes she wanted to try on him, and have his opinion on. She was just as smitten, if not more than him. Elio had to shake himself out of it. He would not allow himself to be jealous of Mafalda, because that was simply not a good use of his time. 

Elio ended up sleeping in what would be Oliver’s room. He not so secretly was thrilled at the idea of the sheets smelling like him, and having Oliver notice. Once he stripped down to just underwear and got into bed, he realized how tired he was and fell right asleep. He figured his parents would wake him up when it was time to leave for the train station. 

He woke up to bright sunlight coming in to his window and too many pairs of feet walking around downstairs. 

“You still know where it is, or do you want us to take your bags up?”

“Pro, please, let me take my own bags. I owe it to you!”

Elio was scrambling to get out of bed. He didn’t want his intentions to be so easily seen. He managed to get out and hastily make the bed, but it was more than clear that this was not Mafalda’s handiwork. Just as Oliver opened the door, Elio had assumed a casual lean on the bathroom door. The only giveaway was that he was breathing heavily. 

Oliver opened the door and he looked the same. No, he looked better, somehow. Pale, because this time he was coming straight from New York, but still he looked good. Elio wanted so badly to run and jump into his arms, but he didn’t allow himself to make the first move. 

“Elio.”

“Hi.”

“You gonna come over here or not?”

Elio took that as the first move, and ran across the length of the bedroom to hug Oliver. Oliver embraced him for a second, but then pushed him away.   
“Woah, woah, slow down. We have to talk, first.” 

Oliver put his bags down and noticed there was something lumpy in the bed. Elio’s eyes went wide as he saw the direction of Oliver’s eyes and him reaching towards the covers. Oliver lifted them back, and there they were: Elio’s boxers that had ended up under the covers when he had scrambled for a swim suit. Elio was mortified. He put his face in his hands and felt his face burn. 

“A welcome home present, perhaps?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is either going to be four or five chapters, honestly, this was a lot angstier than I had planned, but what can you do?


	4. Patterns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this is angsty and I am for sure going to be doing more chapters. Sorry if this is shit!

Elio didn’t know what to say. It had been a full year, and Oliver’s words still had full effect on him. One sentence sent ice through Elio’s veins. Things were going right back to last year. Things were going right back to last year, and of course, they were, Oliver was engaged! Oliver was engaged and not only were things going back to the way they were, but there was no chance for things to come back around. 

Elio realized that he had been quiet for too long. He didn’t want to look so disheartened. He couldn’t afford to look so sad to have someone he worshipped back in his life, even if it wasn’t in the way that he wanted or needed it to be. He was going to have to deal with whatever Oliver was willing to give him. More importantly, he didn’t know how Oliver was going to spend his time this summer. As far as he knew, the book was fully published in Italy, and it was doing better than expected. Oliver was a huge success and everyone loved him in every world he entered. His huge shadow was one that didn’t block out the light, but it was one that allowed a glorious break from the too hot sun. 

Of course, Elio had fallen in love with Oliver last summer. He didn’t think that it was love because he hadn’t felt love like this before. Oliver thought he was horny, not happy. Admittedly, Elio was a combination of the two, but the happiness is what lasted for the year that they were apart. 

Elio didn’t think that love should hurt as bad as it did. Elio thought that love should be as easy as what it was with Marzia. Well, what it was with Marzia before Oliver had come into the picture. Meeting Oliver last summer was like getting a new prescription for glasses without realizing how much was going unseen beforehand. Elio had never told Oliver out loud that he loved him. He didn’t know if he was going to be able to ever do that, but he felt he owed it to himself. 

Elio wanted to say something funny, to lighten the mood. “You know, I think they still have your bank account open from last summer.”

Elio laughed, but it was like the bank was holding a candle for Oliver almost as much as he was. Neither he nor the bank expected to ever see Oliver again, but here he was. It was 1984 now and everything was the same. Elio shook his head at Oliver laughing. 

“What’s so funny?”  
“I don’t play poker anymore, Elio.”

The way Oliver spoke volumes. His tone made it clear that he wasn’t just talking about poker. He was talking about the vices that he had wished not to think about last summer. He was talking about Elio. Elio wasn’t a person that he was with for a summer, no, Elio was an old vice that Oliver was finally able to kick. Oliver was back to prove to himself that he didn’t need that vice anymore. Elio was the drink that a recovering alcoholic ordered at a bar to test themselves. Except, it seemed like Oliver had more resolve about his changing than Elio had hoped. 

“I can take you there to close it if you want?”

“No thanks, I’ll leave it open, just in case.”

No thanks hurt more than Oliver’s ‘later’s’ ever did. No thanks were the words of a man that had made up his mind. Oliver had told Elio that he ‘knew himself’ but that was a bluff that Elio soon saw through. This time, it seemed like he really did know himself. But the other thing that Elio thought about was the “just in case”. For the first time, Oliver openly admitted to not knowing what the future would hold. He had been the one that had a mapped out future, knowing that there would be many “later’s’’ to come, but this time he seemed unsure. 

“Ok, sure.”

Elio didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t like that much had changed while they were gone, and Oliver had arrived earlier than he had last summer, but other than that, everything had been pretty much the same. 

“You know what I realized, Elio?”

Elio did not like this as a start to the conversation, he did not like it at all because he had no control of where it was going. “What?”

“This is the first time in a long time that I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that.” Oliver took a long pause. Sitting on the bed together and hearing Oliver talk like this felt too intimate, so Elio stood up and started pacing. Elio ran his fingers through his hair, not knowing if he should map out Oliver’s life or if he should just keep quiet. 

“You have a life to get back to, though.” Elio thought this was a fair assumption. Oliver certainly had more of a life than he did. Elio thought that you could ask anyone and they would agree. Certainly, his father would agree and be more than willing to give concrete examples why this was true. 

“I don’t know if I do anymore.”

“Anymore?” Elio sat back down. He wanted to hold Oliver’s hand. He wanted to grow and be able to fit all of Oliver in his arms, shrink Oliver down so that he could fit in Elio’s breast pocket. He had never heard a word sound so dejected and absent of hope. Elio reached out and grabbed Oliver’s hand, praying that it wouldn’t be pulled away too quickly. 

Oliver didn’t just not pull away, but he held on and squeezed. Elio felt light headed like he was going to pass out from the rush of simply holding Oliver’s hand again for the first time in a year. He thought that maybe it was good that it wouldn’t go any further than this, because it still gave him a huge head rush, and this was nothing compared to last summer. 

“I made it to assistant professor.”

Elio was confused. This was a step up and a huge one considering that he was teaching at such a prestigious university. Elio had already sent his deposit check to the school but decided to hold off on telling Oliver about this, in case things didn’t go the way that he wanted them to go. 

“And Mary got a job offer at Berkeley.” Elio raised his eyebrows. He knew who Mary was, he knew how to use context clues at least, but he wanted to hear Oliver say it. 

“My fiancée – well…”

“What are you going to do?”

“I am going to take a break and go to Italy for the summer to work on a new manuscript and soak in the culture.”

“And Mary?” Elio despised himself for how desperate he sounded. He wanted to know, but at the same time, everything in him was yelling that it would be better to not know anything about his other life. He wanted to think that he was the same in his other life, just with a different cast of characters, but deep down he knew this couldn’t be true. He could not be the same free Oliver that he was in Rome, not with his family. Elio secretly hoped that he wasn’t like that with Mary, either. His Oliver, the one that he had shrunk down to fit in his pocket was only like this with him. (And Vimini, of course, but she was different, ethereal and that made it okay. She was also only eleven.) 

“Mary is already in Berkeley. First-year teachers have to teach a summer course, it’s in their contract.”

This wasn’t exactly an answer to the unasked question, but it was going to be enough for now. Oliver and Elio were still holding hands. It wasn’t clear anymore who needed it more, but it was clear that it needed to keep going. 

“I’m scared, Oliver.”

“Of what?”

“I’m already counting down the days until you leave again.” Elio still left out the part about going to the university he worked at because he didn’t even know if Oliver was still going to be working there in the fall. He didn’t think that Mary and he would do a coast to coast marriage. Oliver was too traditional. 

“You can’t do that to me, Elio.”

Oliver said that, but his body language was much kinder than his cold words. He took Elio in his arms in the way that he wished he could fully wrap Oliver in his and just held him. Elio felt like a rag doll, but one that was so full of love it didn’t matter. He hadn’t added much to his small frame, but Oliver was seemingly even more of an Adonis than he was last year. 

“Why did you come back?” Elio didn’t want to waste time, he couldn’t afford it. They had wasted so much time last summer, he just wanted to know if there was any hope. His words were muffled in one of Oliver’s classic button-down shirts, the top three buttons undone. He was speaking into Oliver’s Star of David, and also his heart. 

Oliver lifted Elio’s face to look at him in the eyes. He looked sad. Elio didn’t understand how he could look sad, the question was not one that was pointed or mean, he just wanted to know the truth. “Because you called.” 

“I’ve called before, and you didn’t come visit over the winter, what changed?” 

Oliver didn’t answer. He stood up and opened the closet doors, to see that Billowy was hanging in a plastic bag in the back corner. “Is this how you wanted to remember me?”

“If I take it out of the bag too much it wouldn’t smell like you anymore.” Elio was shocked at how candid he was being, but he was on a roll and wasn’t going to stop now. “It was the only way I wasn’t going to lose you.”

Oliver put his suitcase hastily in the closet and walked around to the opposite side of the bed. He traced his fingers where the postcard used to be. Elio knew exactly what he was doing without turning around. He loved the feeling that they were connected, that they were souls that were eternally linked. 

“Do you know where I keep this postcard, Elio?”

“No.”

Oliver laughed. Elio had learned his different laughs over time. He had a quiet laugh, one that was meant for just him and the person he was laughing with. The loud guffaw, that said hey, listen, everyone, something funny happened over here and you all missed it. His self-deprecating laugh, possibly the worst one was this one. A chuckle more than a laugh, and it said, this isn’t funny, but if I don’t laugh I will have to think seriously about it. “Of course, you don’t.”

“How could I?” Elio didn’t understand how Oliver thought he would know where he kept the postcard. He was surprised he even kept it at all. It had no real value to him, and he couldn’t even remember what was on the back. He just knew who had sent it to him from America, and that was in the distant past. Oliver was his now. 

“In my office. On my desk. I had it reframed and I look at it whenever I am feeling stuck on a problem or paper.” 

“Why?” 

“It reminds me of a time that I didn’t have all of the answers, but it was okay. Things were better than okay.”

Elio hated that Oliver was using past tense. He didn’t know if he was talking about last summer, but he was going to assume and it felt safe to do so. Oliver didn’t linger on this for very long before he walked back to the closet, with ambition that wasn’t there before. 

“Come on, let’s go swimming. I haven’t exercised in days and I need some fresh Italian sunshine.”

Oliver took out his red trunks and slipped into the bathroom. Elio just sat there, because there was nothing else for him to do. His suits were in the other room, and he would have had to go to the bathroom to get there. So, he waited in silence. For Oliver in silence, in the summer of 1984. He thought that he would probably always be for Oliver in silence, no matter the year or time or place. 

Oliver stuck his head out the door, breaking Elio out of his spiral of thought. “Meet you downstairs.” Elio heard the door slam and Oliver’s espadrilles slap down the stairs. He forgot how perfect hearing him in the house was. 

“Coming!” He said, to no one. This was going to be an interesting summer.


	5. Swimming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what to title these things 
> 
> also this chapter is long because wordy descriptions got away from me, and i made myself cry re: the postcard 
> 
> at least one more chapter to come

Elio changed into his suit, and started walking downstairs. He wondered absently if they were going to swim down by the river or just in the pool in their garden. The splashing water he could hear made it apparent that they were going to be staying close to the villa today. He supposed that serious conversations didn’t happen so close to home where everything else did. 

Oliver was swimming laps. It worried Elio that he was being so transparent without revealing anything about what he wanted so desperately to know. Last summer, everything had hidden meaning, everything was in code. It was as though Oliver was speaking a language that Elio could understand, but just barely. He wasn’t conversational, and didn’t have the tools to respond until the very end of their time together. 

Oliver was swimming laps, and Anchise was working in the garden. Mafalda was humming her songs from home in the kitchen, and his parents were lounging and smoking on long chairs. Elio selfishly wondered if Oliver had replaced him in his parents’ minds. In everyone’s minds he was their favorite. He didn’t have to think about it for very long, because he knew that this was the case. It didn’t make sense to not favor Oliver. Of course, Elio had no way to be objective, but he just knew. 

Elio decided to be brave and step into the small pool, interrupting Oliver’s laps. His parents would see, but at this point he didn’t care. He figured that they knew him and Oliver had had something, but that was clearly in the past, because he was engaged. Elio thought about the fact that he might have been glad that he was engaged to a woman and not a man. It didn’t sting less, but it was something to think about on the long walk from the door of the villa to the small pool. 

Oliver didn’t see Elio until he nearly swam into him. He had gotten so used to how much he had to swim to reach either side that he barely paid attention to the actual walls anymore. It was just something he could feel out. He barely bumped into Elio, and pulled himself out of the water. Elio should have been used to their height difference by now, but him standing up in the water and towering over Elio’s small frame was still shocking. 

“Nice to see you!” Oliver had been acting surprised to see Elio recently, which concerned him. On the other hand, it was a nice change from the steely look he got from Oliver for the first half of the summer last year. Maybe that meant that he was no longer pursuing Elio at all. He didn’t play poker anymore, he fully knew who he was this time. It was not a front at all. He knew who he was to the point that he didn’t have to announce it when he came into rooms or looked you in the eye. 

“Hi, Oliver.” If Oliver could be open and welcoming, Elio could be demure and mysterious. He was determined to not lose all of himself in Oliver’s charm, but he was feeling that it was happening again. He didn’t know how much time was left. It wasn’t like last summer. Elio’s dad had told Oliver over the phone that he could book a return flight home when he thought it was the right time. This was worse than knowing, Elio thought. The empty space in his head where the countdown to losing Oliver again wasn’t there in solid form, but as more of an idea. He could lose Oliver in a day, in a week, in a month or in two months. The summer was young, and it was just starting to heat up. 

“What are you going to do today?” 

“Probably do some transcribing. Reading, preparing for university.” Elio made sure not to mention the school that he would be attending in the fall. He didn’t want to risk sounding like a stalker. He thought about how their roles had changed since last summer. Oliver didn’t need Elio at all to decide what to do. But, on the other hand, he wasn’t working with his dad as much and didn’t have such a strict schedule. It was all playing games with his head. 

“I was thinking about going to B. later, they have a book I was going to pick out.” Oliver left the sentence dangling off a cliff, like he wanted to ask Elio to come. Why else would he give so much detail? Especially since he knew how much Elio loved the bookstore. Elio didn’t want to assume, but he was tired of this game that was nothing new to them. 

“Would you want me to come with you?” He knew that his mother and father were listening, and they were probably making judgements of their own, worrying that Elio was falling in the same trap he did last summer. This time it was even more doomed than the summer in the past. His mother had warned him before Oliver arrived that he might not be staying too long. Oliver had confided in her that the wedding planning was eating him alive and he didn’t know how much more he could take. Mary seemed nice, she had talked with her on the phone when she was trying to phone Oliver. That crushed Elio. That they were so established in their relationship that Mary would just pick up Oliver’s landline without a second thought. 

“Yes, please.” Elio was shocked. He never thought that he would hear those words come from Oliver’s mouth. He was taken right back to last summer, at midnight, when he said those words to Oliver. This was one of the signs that gave Elio hope. He was getting better at following Oliver’s code, but still he didn’t feel confident. He felt as though he was trying to learn a language that was constantly changing. A language that Oliver knew, Marzia knew, and he was pretty sure his father knew as well. 

“Okay, let me go change.” Elio hadn’t been in the pool for very long, but he really only had gone in to be with Oliver. Moments like this made him realize that he would probably go anywhere for Oliver. He would go to the ends of the earth if he knew that Oliver would be there. This wasn’t desperate in his mind, it was a breath of fresh air. So much time he had spent trying to lie to himself that he wasn’t so unbelievably in love with Oliver, and it took only a couple days of being back with him to figure out the truth. 

Oliver was quick to hop out and follow him. Damn, Elio was still entranced by how beautifully he could move around. It frightened him how he was able to move around so well, know himself so well and be so comfortable in his own skin. Elio was nowhere near that. Oliver grabbed Elio’s shoulder, catching up to him with no problem. He then put his arm around Elio’s shoulder, bringing Elio back to last summer. Last summer, he would have shirked away, scared about what it meant to Oliver, but this summer he knew. It was only based on friendship for Oliver. 

Elio leaned in to it, trying to embrace what little he was going to get out of this platonic and touchy friendship. They walked up the stairs, Elio in front of Oliver, to go into their respective rooms. Elio changed quickly, not wanting to be a bother to Oliver, since he was the one that wanted to go into town. When he walked through the bathroom and back into Oliver’s room, he was surprised to find that Oliver was sitting on his bed, still in his suit. He looked sad. Oliver didn’t hear Elio come in, which made him think about the first night that Oliver had arrived last summer. So many things were parallel, not quite an exact copy, which made it even harder to see the similarities. There was not going to be any crossover, and Elio still hadn’t come to terms with that, if he was being honest with himself. 

Elio cleared his throat. He was standing behind Oliver’s broad shoulders, and while he was enjoying the view, he wanted to know what Oliver was looking at that made him look so sad. Oliver jumped a little bit, and turned around. Elio saw what was in his hands, and nearly fell to the floor. Elio would have recognized it anywhere. Oliver was holding the postcard he had taken from this room less than a year ago. 

“Are you surprised I brought it with me?” 

“You said it was in your office.” Elio didn’t understand what was going on. He felt once again like they were talking in code. He hated not being able to keep up with what Oliver was doing or thinking and wished he would just say what he was thinking. If not, Elio would have to just assume, and he was too good at assuming the worst to assume anything else. 

“I take it with me everywhere I go.”

“Why?” 

“It reminds me of home.” 

Elio heard that, but mostly he heard ringing in his ears. Did Oliver just say that Italy was his home? Elio took a deep breath and asked the question he was scared to know the answer to. 

“Home?”

Oliver sighed. It was like he knew Elio would cling on to that and be confused, but he didn’t know if he wanted to reveal all of himself. He revealed his deepest layer without any context of the layers around it. It was honestly without truth. 

“The Villa, your parents, Italy, last summer, you.” Oliver said the last word so softly that Elio thought he had dreamt it. The ‘you’ carried him on a cloud to the other side of the bed. To sitting next to Oliver, thighs brushing. 

“Me?”

“You.”

“No one else?” 

“No one else.” Oliver and Elio had had this exact same conversation before, but at this point it felt like a dream. Nothing that wasn’t this very moment seemed real. It was as though this conversation put everything else behind a sheer curtain. 

Elio wanted to kiss Oliver more than he had ever wanted to before. He wanted to rub his back and ask him why it took him so long to come home. He wanted to ask how this place was his home when he had clearly found a home in Mary and in the states. Elio reached for Oliver’s hand. They had held hands before, but this seemed fuller of intent. Oliver reached all the way around Elio and pulled him close into a hug. All of a sudden, that didn’t feel close enough. Elio wasn’t sure who initialed it, but he found himself on Oliver’s lap, straddling him and facing him in the same way it had happened at midnight when things had finally happened. 

Elio was showing incredible restraint by not kissing him right then and there. He loved Oliver, that was certain, but he couldn’t afford to be the one to ruin his marriage, or soon to be marriage. Oliver wasn’t looking at him. He was looking at his hands. His hands that were still holding the postcard. 

“Did you love him?”

Elio had no idea what Oliver was talking about. He had never loved anyone in the way that he loved Oliver. He didn’t think that he was talking about himself in the third person, but Elio’s head was so blurry that he didn’t know what was going on at all. 

Elio lifted Oliver’s chin so that he had to look him in the eyes. “No.”

“Are you telling me you had no feelings for Maynard at all?”

Maynard. Elio hadn’t thought about Maynard since he left three summers ago. Well, that was a lie. He thought about him three times since he left their villa. Once, when he sent the postcard, when Oliver took the postcard, and when Oliver had wondered about how he was chosen to be taken in by his family. 

“Why do you think that?”

“The postcard, Elio. I know what it says on it. I take it with me everywhere, you know.”

“He didn’t like me. I didn’t like him. I was only fifteen, Oliver.”

“I think that he liked you, and you didn’t know it.”

“Are you jealous? Are you serious?” Elio decided he got to be angry about this. Oliver didn’t get to be jealous of someone that he didn’t even have a relationship with. Especially considering the fact that he was actually in a relationship and he was getting married sometime in the near future.   
“I just-“

Elio had heard enough. He was so tired of Oliver not being honest with him and dancing around the truth that he decided to do something he never would have done last summer. He cut Oliver off by kissing him. Elio went in with full strength, thinking that it would probably be his only chance to kiss him, and he wanted to make it count. He would probably be thrown across the room, but it was worth taking that risk. 

Oliver kissed him back. Elio was shocked, and let the kiss go on for a few more seconds before pulling away. Oliver looked confused. 

“Is this not what you wanted?”

“You’re engaged, Oliver.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Oh, so you got married and didn’t even tell us? You’re married and you decided to come here to blow off some steam, did you? Is that why you brought the postcard and gave me that sob story? It was all just a story wasn’t it. Damnit Oliver, I trusted you.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I don’t understand you, Oliver.”

“She called it off.”

“The wedding?” Elio didn’t want to believe what he was hearing, because it didn’t make sense. 

“Yes.”

“Okay, tell me what happened. Don’t leave anything out.” Elio rocked back. He was angry, but he was happy to be resting on Oliver’s thighs, in his old room where he at least felt a little safe. 

Oliver took a deep breath. “Here it goes:…”


	6. Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver takes some time to explain.

Oliver looked scared. Elio tried to make his face look as comforting as possible. This couldn’t be that fun of a story to tell, but he wanted to know every detail. This didn’t necessarily mean anything, but what it did do was leave a lot of questions in the air. 

“Things were working out, for a while. She really is a great woman, and I really had been seeing her on and off for about two years. The reason why we took time off from each other was that I always felt like there was something missing, you know? Like there was the chance of something that would make me feel complete. Then, last summer, I thought that I had found that with you.” Oliver paused, not sure of where to go from there. He was looking at his hands, at his thighs, at everything but Elio. Elio burrowed his face in Oliver’s hair. 

Oliver took another breath and kept going. “When I came back from Italy, she could tell that something was different. I knew that we couldn’t continue whatever we had going here, so I decided to tell her that I wanted to be with her again. She was so happy, Elio. My parents were overjoyed, too. Then, she got the job offer at Berkeley. I had already gotten the assistant professor position, but for some reason, I hadn’t told her about that yet. She accepted the Berkeley position without even asking me, assuming that I would just move with her because it was such a huge opportunity for her. Really, that was what saved me. I told her I couldn’t go, because I had gotten the position, and we found a way to split amicably, without upsetting anyone too much.”

Elio was trying to take everything in, but Oliver was giving him a lot of information. 

“Did you love her?” Elio didn’t know why he was asking that he must have been an absolute sadist, but he needed to know. He needed to know if Oliver ever felt what he was feeling for Oliver. If he knew that Oliver loved Mary, maybe things would be different. Maybe the intense burning feeling in his chest would cool down, and he would be able to breathe again in Oliver’s presence. 

“I don’t know.” Elio had never been less satisfied with an answer in his life. He wanted to pull an answer out of Oliver’s mouth, force him to be sure about something in the way that he was sure he loved Oliver. 

“Are you okay?” Elio wanted to be nice to him. Clearly, Oliver was suffering, and it was the least he could do to make sure he was okay. 

“I am now, Elio.” Oliver was looking at Elio in the eyes for the first time since he had started explaining what was going on. Oliver using Elio’s name took the air out of the room. The only noise was the occasional drip of water coming from the swimsuit that Oliver was still wearing. Elio could feel it making his shorts wet, but he didn’t care. 

“Why did you come here, Oliver?” Elio had already asked this question, but this time, he asked it softer, with a different purpose. He wasn’t angry, he just wanted to know. He really needed a straight answer, but something was telling him that he might never get one from Oliver. 

“I told you. Because you called me, I came.” 

“Just because I called?” Elio needed something to be said. He needed to know if what he was feeling in his chest was valid or if he was imagining that Oliver was saying what he thought he was saying. Without thinking, Elio spoke Oliver’s words back to him. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” 

Oliver didn’t answer. Not at first anyway. Then, finally, “what do you want me to be saying?” 

“That you came back because you wanted to see if you still had feelings for me. That you came back because it wasn’t just fun and games over the summer and you wanted to know if I felt that too. That you came back because the idea of not being together in Italy over the summer was so heartbreaking to imagine that you said yes, no matter what your actual plans were.”

Elio began to cry. He didn’t want to cry, he really didn’t, but he had been holding in this speech and his feelings for so long that everything was coming out at once. Oliver began to rock him back and forth. He wasn’t saying anything, but he was cooing in Elio’s ear, to try to calm him down. It made sense that he wasn’t saying anything, yet. He didn’t know if Elio would be able to even hear it yet. 

Oliver took Elio’s face in his hands. “I didn’t want you to feel like you needed to be anything for me, Elio. I didn’t want you to think that you had to be something because I was coming back.”

“Are you dating someone?” Elio let out a choked laugh. He couldn’t believe that he was asking Oliver this question. He basically was putting all of his cards on the table without saying anything at all. 

“No, Elio, I’m not seeing anyone,” Oliver said that like it was obvious. It was the same tone he used when he told Elio he was thinking about him last summer. When he had said he was thinking about Elio and only Elio. Elio breathed out a sigh of relief. “Can I kiss you, for real this time?” Elio couldn’t believe that Oliver was asking him this. 

Elio pushed his lips into Oliver’s with the kind of determination that he had the first time, but this time, it was because he felt they had wasted time. It was Oliver’s first day in B., but Elio didn’t want to waste a single second. He didn’t want to let any part of Oliver’s presence slip out of his fingers. This time, he was not making any moves to end the kiss. He could be happy kissing Oliver all summer in this bed, he thought. He didn’t need anything else in the entire world. The time they had wasn’t enough, already. He was counting down the days without even trying. 

Oliver finally was the one to end the kiss. “I need to change out of this suit.” It was getting to be close to dinner, and Elio knew that Mafalda would skin him alive if Oliver missed his first dinner back at the villa because of him. 

“Yes, you do! I know someone that is very excited to see you, and you better dress to impress!” 

Oliver looked confused for a second, and then it hit him. “Is she here?” 

“Yes.” 

“Does she know that I’m here?”   
Elio looked incredibly smug. Too smug for Oliver’s liking. “Not yet. She’ll be here for dinner. Marzia too, I suppose.” 

At this, Oliver raised his eyebrows. “I see.” They had navigated strange waters with the subject of Marzia last summer, and now it was unclear to Oliver where her and Elio stood. Elio didn’t want to alleviate his stress, not just yet, at least. He figured it was reasonable payback as he didn’t immediately tell Elio that he was no longer engaged. 

Elio kissed Oliver on the cheek. “You better get changed, American! I’ll see you downstairs!” Elio thought it was quaint that he was going to his room to change like he was preparing for a first date with Oliver or a meet the family kind of situation. Really, they all knew him and loved him, and that was the best part of it. When he had announced to his family where he would be studying at university, at least his mother pretended to not know that this was going to be his choice all along. His father was not as kind. In response, he stroked his chin and said, “hm, I feel like we might know someone that works there?” And then he turned to Elio’s mother, asking the question, “who do we know that works there? Have they stayed at the villa before?” 

It was Vimini that broke the silence. She was smart, but she was also able to play the loud-mouthed child when she felt it was appropriate. “Oliver! It’s Oliver that works there.” She didn’t expect to be rewarded for that answer, but the smile on her face spoke volumes. It said that Oliver had been the one to tell her about his feelings long before Elio wised up and admitted to his feelings. Vimini was already at dinner. She had been coming over a lot recently, and Mafalda had gotten used to it, for the most part. They both had very strong personalities, but in the end, they got along. Nothing was going to bring either of them down tonight, though, especially with Vimini being surprised by the presence of Oliver. 

Marzia arrived, looking like a vision. Elio felt a strange pang in his chest, but it didn’t hurt as much as it had when he had seen her at the disco tech. He wanted to be happy for her and Amelie, but that might not be possible right away. He quickly forgot about that, because he heard footsteps that he didn’t think he would ever hear on the gravel outside of the villa again. Vimini seemed to hear it, too. 

She leaped up and ran to jump into Oliver’s arms. Elio was full of such a warm feeling that he almost laughed out loud at himself. For a brief period of time last summer, he was jealous of their friendship. Even though it was incredibly brief, he realized that he was wrong. This was one of the purest friendships he had ever had the joy of watching. Vimini had told him that she didn’t think that she would ever see Oliver again. He had told her he didn’t either, but he knew that wasn’t fair to her. She was sick, and she didn’t have very much time left, but now, she would get to spend the summer wandering around B., and reading with Oliver. For the first time, Elio was happier for someone else that he was for himself that Oliver was there. 

They were all sitting down at the table, and Elio had the feeling that this would be something he would always remember. The warmth that he never thought he would feel again that he felt at the book party in Rome was right here, at his own house. He was surrounded by the people that he loved and he knew that they loved him right back. Oliver sitting in his seat at the dinner table was one of the best things he had ever seen. If he was a painter, he would be happy spending the rest of his life painting Oliver sitting at this table. Sitting with Oliver at this table, surrounded by his parents, Marzia and Vimini. Mafalda wasn’t far away, and Anchise was in the kitchen, too. He was with the people that kept him the safest and cared for him the most. 

It was Elio’s father that finally broke the contented silence of everyone chewing their food. Oliver’s foot was resting comfortably on Elio’s in a way that said, I’m here, and I am so glad that you are, too. 

“I wonder if we’ll have the same meal in New York. What do you think Elio? Will you invite us to see you when you’re at school?” 

Oliver looked up from his plate and wiped his mouth with a napkin, trying to finish his bite to get his words out. “What do you mean in New York, Pro?” 

“Elio didn’t tell you? He’ll be joining you at your university this fall! Isn’t that great?” Elio looked mortified. Oliver had taken his foot off of Elio’s. Elio closed his eyes. All of a sudden, he felt like he was back in last summer. He willed himself not to get a nosebleed, that would give too much of himself away. But, he looked down, and just like clockwork, there it was. Blood. He rushed to get up, and ran to the kitchen. He skipped looking in the freezer in the kitchen and went straight to the bar. He sat down and thought about how different everything was this summer. How different and still so fragile. He put his head back. This time, he knew not to expect Oliver to come looking for him. 

“Shit.” Elio banged his head against the cupboard. “Ow, fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't read the book, Vimini is their neighbor, and she is eleven years old. She is adorable and I love her with my whole goddamn heart. 
> 
> (I'm on tumblr if you hate this or love it lilchalamet)


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired of naming chapters, ok?
> 
> Marzia is back, babayyyy, I love her so much and you should too, is the thesis of my ted talk, anyways enjoy.

“Do you talk to your mother with that mouth?” Elio did not expect that voice to be the one that he would hear first. It didn’t even cross his mind that she was still even at the house in the first place. A lot was on his mind, and the whereabouts of Marzia was not number one. 

“If you’ve come to tell me that I’ve ruined dinner, I already know that.” Marzia stooped down to sit next to Elio in the all too familiar nook of the bar area. The one that he had sat in with Oliver when he massaged his feet after the nosebleed from the year before. It hurt to be this close to Marzia and to not be able to reach out and kiss her or touch her. Elio hated himself for being so torn between wanting Oliver and wanting Marzia. Wanting them both with such a strong passion that he would rather have neither one at all. But that wasn’t the case. He had had both of them. Now, he was afraid that he was losing his chance with either of them. 

“He’s not mad.” 

“Who?” Elio decided he could play dumb. He was just sick, after all, and he hoped that Marzia would take pity on him. She had last summer, feeding him a cigarette with care and compassion like a nurse would, but it didn’t seem like she would gift him the same niceties this year. 

“You know who.” Marzia nudged him with her shoulder and he winced in pain. It wasn’t from the actual impact, but from how friendly it was. There was nothing else there. Elio had wished that she had lingering feelings for him, too, but it was only fair that she didn’t. 

“Did you really love me, Marzia?” Elio was so eager to change the subject that he steered their conversation towards rough waters. He hoped that Marzia would get so entangled in this new direction that she would forget all about why she had come to find him in the first place. Elio should have known better, though, Marzia was probably smarter than he was, but in a quiet way. 

“I think I did, Elio.” Elio didn’t expect such a straight answer, but it didn’t shock him. She had a way of being blunt and rough around the edges and soft at the same time. Her answers had barbs attached, but not ones that were ever intended to hurt, just to force you to feel. 

“Do you still hide from me?” Elio didn’t know what to do except parrot back what she had once said to him before. She had a way of speaking that he didn’t think he would ever get to. 

“I think I always will, but that is neither one of our faults.” Marzia was probably the best person that Elio had ever met, at that moment. At that moment, she was the only other person to exist in the entire world. Elio thought about the life they could have together. They could be so, so happy, it was so beautiful. The images in his imagination were almost too bright, to saturated, he had to blink to get them out of his head. 

Without thinking, he lunged forward and took her into a hug. He didn’t think about anything else until he worried about bleeding on her dress. It was such a pretty dress. He wanted to remember what she smelled like, so he tried to breathe her in without making a sound. Something else drowned out his inhale, though. A pair of feet that he would never forget the sound of. The feet walked into the room, they knew where he would have gone after the nosebleed. They walked in and saw Elio clutching Marzia for dear life. 

“Oh, sorry.” The feet walked out, not giving Elio a chance to even end the embrace and look up. A part of him felt like he just got the upper hand. For once, he was the one that was rejecting Oliver. He was the one that had everyone coming after him. That feeling did not last as long as he hoped it would. He ended the hug with Marzia and jumped to his feet, quickly regretting that decision. 

Marzia was close to stand up behind him, catching him when he swayed back. She was laughing. Of course, she was, because she knew. She knew more than Oliver did, which seemed like it was always the case. 

“I-“ 

“Go.” Marzia was probably the nicest person he had ever met in his entire life. The most understanding person in the world. Elio made a mental note to send her flowers as soon as he could for doing the simple task of putting up with him for so long. 

“Thank you.”

“You’re a moron.” 

Elio kissed Marzia on the cheek, and it only broke his heart a little bit this time, which he counted as progress. 

Elio tried to be quiet walking up the stairs to Oliver’s room, but that was essentially pointless. He didn’t know if he should knock or just barge right in, there were too many options. He frantically stood at the door for a couple of seconds until he heard a voice coming from inside. 

“Are you just going to stand there all night?” Elio laughed, maybe if Oliver was joking around with him he wasn’t angry. He couldn’t be too angry at Elio for not telling him. The Marzia situation was a non-issue as far as he was concerned, that was an easy fix.

“I didn’t want to just barge in.” Elio was still talking through the door, he didn’t want to be the one to take down the barrier between them, something about doing that felt too invasive, not right for some reason. He heard a deep sigh and then the flipping of his espadrilles. 

The door squeaked open, and Oliver bowed and let Elio walkthrough. “Your Highness.” 

“Hi.” Elio suddenly was at a loss for words. He didn’t understand how Oliver could have this effect on him. He was literally just with him at the dinner table, and still, the very sight of him took his breath away. How dare he look like this, this Adonis, that didn’t even seem to be fully aware of it. 

“You’re staring.” 

“Maybe, it’s you that is staring.” Elio wished that it was Oliver that was staring at him, but he didn’t think that that would happen again. Elio didn’t know what Oliver would bring up first, but he let him take the lead. 

“So, you and Marzia, huh?” Elio laughed. Of course, this was what Oliver wanted to start talking about. He wanted to talk about something that wasn’t related to him at all. Well, maybe tangentially, but it made sense he didn’t want to talk about Elio being in the same city as him in the next semester. 

“Why do you think that? Oh my god, you’re jealous, aren’t you?” Elio knew he was being an asshole, but he was doing it on purpose, he wanted a reaction from Oliver that wasn’t so goddamn calculated. And that’s what he got. Oliver stood up from the bed he was sitting on and started walking around the room. 

“Am I jealous? Are you kidding me, Elio? How old are you with that question?” Elio’s eyes were tracking Oliver’s pacing, but he wasn’t worried about this outburst at all, he knew Oliver too well to be. He thought that he probably knew Oliver better than he knew himself. 

“You didn’t answer the question,” Elio said this quietly like he was afraid of Oliver, but really, he was being precocious and hard to deal with. He was trying really hard not to smile, but that just ended up looking even more like a smirk on his gaunt face. 

“Do you want me to be jealous?” Elio was surprised that Oliver had stopped pacing to land right in front of him. Oliver bent his knees to be looking right into Elio’s eyes as he was talking. “I think that you want me to be jealous, there’s nothing going on between the two of you, is there?” 

Elio just shook his head, totally unable to keep the smile off his face now. He tried to bury it in his shoulder, but Oliver caught his chin before he could. “She’s seeing someone else.” 

Oliver didn’t expect this. It seemed like he expected that Elio was the one that had turned her down, but he seemed to let his shoulders sag when he heard that this was not the case. “Oh? Do you know him?”

“Her name’s Amelie. I met her the day before you came back.” 

“Oh.” This oh was completely different, softer, full of understanding. 

“She deserved better than me, anyway, so do you.” Oliver came to sit down next to Elio. He looked upset. Elio had to turn to face him if he wanted to, and he didn’t really want to look at Oliver in the eyes, it was too hard. 

“Why do you say that?” Oliver was talking to the side of Elio’s head, but he felt his eyes trying to get him to look into them. Elio wasn’t going to budge, he was going to say what he had to say, but he was going to say it to his feet. He didn’t think he would be able to say it any other way. 

“You know why.” Elio hoped that he would get away with this. Skating around how he truly felt, but it became clear that Oliver was not going to let him off that easily. 

“Tell me.” In those two words, Oliver had lifted Elio’s face and brought it too close to his own. Too close for Elio’s comfort. All he could think about was kissing him, but he didn’t think that he would ever get to do that again, so he held himself back. 

“You found out that I was coming to your school, and you got mad at me.”

“I did no such thing.” 

Elio didn’t know how to say what he was thinking without sounding like a child. It was also hard to concentrate, because he was very close to Oliver’s face, still. But something about being so close made him want to tell the whole truth, as petty as it might be. “You took your foot off of mine when my dad said something about it.” 

“You think that’s why I did that?” 

“Yeah, why else would you have?”

“Elio, you were getting a nosebleed. I wanted you to be able to stand up and leave the table.” 

“I am such an idiot.” 

“Yeah, yeah, you are.” 

“I have to ask. Are you happy I’m coming to your school?” 

Oliver looked like he was thinking. Elio didn’t like that it was taking him so long to think about what should be a one-word answer. Elio didn’t know what to do, the silence was killing him. He leaned forward the space that was less than an inch and connected their mouths. Maybe, if he kissed Oliver, he would make up his damn mind about whether or not he was happy about the future. 

Oliver kissed him back for a second, and then pushed him away. “Are you happy?” Elio hated how desperate he sounded, but he needed to know, for his own sanity. 

“No.” Elio threw himself back on the bed. How could someone be so finicky, even when he thought that he knew him? He thought that he understood how Oliver thought, but he was wrong. When he was wrong, he was wrong in a big way. 

“Okay.” Elio stood up and walked through the bathroom, and into his room. He shut the door, happy for himself that he was being so calm, threw himself down on the bed and started to cry. He didn’t care if Oliver heard him crying. It was his fault that he was crying in the first place. He didn’t think he would though, there was an oceanic space between them, even if they weren’t far apart, it seemed like Oliver had never come back to him in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen, i'm sorry, okay? if i'm sad, then you have to be, too. this shit lives in my head like at all times? how do you think i feel? probably one more chapter after this, but who the christ knows? i sure don't


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here is the second to last chapter maybe but honestly i dont know thanks for leaving your nice comments and kudos, it means a lot for real

“Okay.” Elio stood up and walked through the bathroom, and to his room. He shut the door, happy for himself that he was being so calm, threw himself down on the bed and started to cry. He didn’t care if Oliver heard him crying. It was his fault that he was crying in the first place. He didn’t think he would though, there was an oceanic space between them, even if they weren’t far apart, it seemed like Oliver had never come back to him in the first place. 

Elio wasn’t surprised that one word from Oliver could hurt so much, that was par for the course. He didn’t want to hear why he didn’t want him to be attending the school that he worked at, because what was the point? He was angry at his dad. He knew he shouldn’t be, but he couldn’t help it. This didn’t have to come up on the first day. The first day of them being back in the same place together and all of a sudden, it was ruined. Elio was relieved that it was nighttime. He turned off the light on his bedside table and willed himself to fall asleep. 

While he was trying to fall asleep, he heard the noises of the people that were downstairs. Marzia had left a while ago, and someone had walked Vimini home. Now, it was just his mother and father talking in the kitchen. They had never had much use for inside voices, and tonight was no exception. 

“I didn’t know.” That was his father. Elio didn’t know what his dad didn’t know, he was one of the smartest people he had ever met. 

“They’ll work this out, I know they will.” His mom. It was clear that they were talking about whatever it was that just happened between him and Oliver. 

“He’s so fragile, you know, I don’t know if he knows that.” Elio cringed. He knew he was fragile, but he was pretty sure that Oliver knew. It wasn’t a secret. He got stress nose bleeds and had broken down crying in front of Oliver twice in the time that they had known each other. He knew his dad was good at reading people, but this felt too on the nose, a moot point. 

“Elio needs to realize that Oliver is still healing, they both are.” His father wasn’t talking about him being fragile, he was talking about Oliver. Oliver who was in the next room, making no noise. Oliver who he had given his entire heart to without even realizing it. He knew that he would never get even a piece of Oliver’s heart. He was just going to have to avoid Oliver on campus next year, it would be too hard for him if he didn’t. He didn’t want to run into Oliver when he wasn’t expecting it. That would hurt more than anything else. What if he was with someone else? What if he heard someone talk about him assisting their class and how glad they were because he was so dreamy? It was bound to happen. Who wouldn’t fall in love with Oliver? 

Elio almost got up and walked through the bathroom and into Oliver’s room. He wanted to be close to him because now there was no telling how much time he had left. He wondered if Oliver was going to even stay for the rest of the week. He clearly didn’t want to see Elio in the future, why put that future off, when he could leave in the next couple of days and write this off as confirmation of his feelings towards Elio? What if he decided that he should just go to Berkeley and try to make it work with Mary because he realized she was the great love of his life. The stark contrast of how he felt between Mary and Elio could have made him realize he made a big mistake. Elio desperately wished that this changed his heart and mind. Ever the masochist, he was still deeply and irrevocably in love with Oliver. He thought that he probably always would be. 

Finally, and Elio didn’t know how long it took for it to happen, sleep took over. By the time he woke up, he heard people eating breakfast. Oliver’s laugh was distinct from his parents talking and the clanking of dishes. How could he be so happy when he had made Elio so sad just twelve hours ago? That proved it to him. Elio meant nothing, that is what the answer had to be. 

By the time that Elio dragged himself out of bed, there was nothing left to be seen of breakfast, or his parents, or Oliver. Well, that wasn’t totally true. He saw one glass that was left on the table. It had barely a hint of apricot juice left at the bottom like someone was fighting to get as much as they could out of the cup. Like they thought that they didn’t know when the next time they would be getting apricot juice was. If they would get it ever again. Elio never thought that an empty glass of apricot juice would make him cry, but god, it did. 

He sat down at the kitchen table and cried for a lot of reasons, most of them more selfish than he would admit. He cried for losing Oliver for the third time, he cried for tainting the memory of Oliver occupying the villa, and he cried for Vimini, for she was the one that was losing her Oliver. Elio no longer had any claim on Oliver, and thinking about it through his gasps, he wondered if he ever did. It was too hard to wonder things like this, and thankfully, Mafalda brought him out of his spiral, telling him there was someone on the phone. Life seemed to be going in patterns, lately, phone calls being the bookends of dramatic events. 

He wanted to smash the phone in half. He figured it could be Oliver, calling from the train station, saying that he was leaving, and leaving for good. It would be a sick way to mirror his phone call to the villa at the end of last summer, but it wouldn’t surprise him at all. He walked over, sullenly to pick up the phone. This time, the call wouldn’t be long distance, so Mafalda wasn’t on his case about how fast he picked up the receiver. 

“Pronto?” Elio sighed, already not ready for whoever was going to answer. Well, he knew it was going to be Oliver, but he didn’t really feel like talking to anyone. 

“Elio?” It was a girl’s voice. 

“Marzia?” Elio could never recognize her voice over the phone, but he didn’t know who else it would be. 

“Can we talk?” 

“We are talking.” Elio wasn’t trying to be funny, but he did chuckle to himself, he could be a real piece of shit when he really didn’t care or think about what he was saying. 

“T'es un salaud” You’re a bastard. Marzia’s voice cracked. “In person?” 

“Come here?” 

“D’accord.” Dial tone. Elio hung up the phone and rubbed his face with his hands. It always felt like everything happened at once. He was worried about Marzia, but also really just wanted to know where Oliver was. He didn’t feel like asking anyone, that would have made things too obvious. He also didn’t want to know if Oliver was gone, god forbid he leave without saying goodbye. 

Marzia arrived five minutes later and met Elio in the garden. She looked like she had been crying. Elio knew this though, she was barely holding it together over the phone. Elio wanted to kiss her. He wanted to kiss her cheeks and her eyelids and the redness around her eyes. But he couldn’t. His mission to get over Marzia was two steps forward, ten steps back, it seemed. 

“Wanna go somewhere?” Elio didn’t want to be there when Oliver returned. It would be a fate worse than death to see Oliver happy when he had crushed Elio’s entire world. He wanted to keep Marzia and Oliver in different worlds, in his mind he craved them both for the same things, but in deeply different ways. He didn’t think he could ever explain that to someone outside of his head. He didn’t have to explain anything to Oliver last summer, though, because Oliver had sublet a space in his mind. He knew what Elio was thinking and doing more than Elio did last summer. Elio didn’t regret this, not as much as he probably should have anyway. 

Elio and Marzia start walking. It’s a nice day, and neither of them went for bikes, so they just walked. Elio didn’t know where they were going, but it seemed like they were heading toward the bookstore. This was, for all intents and purposes, their spot. This is where they had finally connected on a deeper level, with the book of poetry, and it would always be a ghost spot for Marzia. It occurred to Elio that Oliver could very well be at this bookstore, but he shoved that feeling aside. They didn’t go into the store, because before they could, Marzia turned to Elio.

“Buy me ice cream?” How could Elio say no? Clearly, something was wrong, and she wanted to talk to him of all people about it. He was honored but also concerned for her. He bought her ice cream because he knew he owed her a lot more than that. She pointed with her free hand to an empty table, and they walked over to sit down. 

Once they sat down, Elio instinctively reached across the table and held her free hand. Marzia squeezed it, but released it, looking down, like she was ashamed. 

“Qu’est-ce qui ne va pas? What’s wrong? Are you ill?” Elio rushed out the words, he felt like whatever was going on was a big deal, and he didn’t know why he was the one that she wanted to talk to. He knew that they would be friends for life, but he didn’t think that he was necessarily her number one friend. She had a lot of people she could talk to, and that was something he was always jealous of. 

“My grandmother found out about Amelie.” He had only met her grandmother once, but it had left a hell of an impact on him. She had never seen a woman sit up so straight and regard the world in such black and white as she did. She was the matriarch of the family, and anything she said, went. 

He didn’t have to ask, but he did anyway, to see how much Marzia would tell her. “She saw us holding hands, and I told her that we were just friends.”

“Did she believe you?”

“Yeah, but that’s not the problem.” 

“No?”

“Amelie heard me. She heard me tell someone that she was just my friend, even though I am most definitely in love with her and I haven’t been able to trace her down since.” The only thing that stopped Marzia was the abandoned ice cream cone, with a drop threatening to hit the floor that she quickly licked off the cone. 

“At least she cares enough about you to be mad.” Elio couldn’t help but compare their situations. Marzia and Amelie would work it out, he knew that in his heart, but he saw no coming back from this fight he was in with Oliver. He didn’t even know if you could call it a fight because he hadn’t seen Oliver all day. 

Marzia just shook her head. “I should have known.”

“What?” 

“That you wouldn’t be able to help me without bringing it back to him.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You aren’t a very good friend, Elio.”

Elio felt like he was going to sink into the floor. He was losing every person he loved today. When he thought about it more, he realized that Vimini would probably never forgive him, either. He didn’t know why his parents would ever see his side, and with that, he had no one. He didn’t even have Mafalda, but she had been in love with Oliver since the first time he drank her apricot juice. 

“You said for life.”

“What are you talking about, Elio?”

“You promised that we would be friends for life.” He felt ridiculous that he was crying, like some kid trying to get his parents to take him to the candy store, but that was the only promise he thought he could trust. He knew better than to trust anything that Oliver ever said, it was never on solid ground. Marzia was the one thing he could rely on, and now that was gone, too. 

“I didn’t say that you should give a shit about me, but I felt like that was kind of implied in us being friends.”

“I love you so much, Marzia. I-“

“No. No, stop. I will not have you spouting that off because Oliver has left you and you need back up.” Elio balked at this. How could she even know that something had gone wrong? Maybe she had heard the commotion from dinner last night and put the pieces together. Maybe he had the decency to actually say goodbye to her when he didn’t have it to say goodbye to him at all. 

He saw someone walking up to them, and rolled his eyes. He was not ready for one of their mutual friends to come upon them so deep in this fight that he didn’t know if he could get out of. It wasn’t just some mutual friend, though, it was her. It was Amelie. He saw her before Marzia could, she was coming up from behind and knew that everything would be okay with them. Of course, it would be. Who had the right mind to let someone like Marzia go? Oh yeah, he did. 

Amelie walked up and put her hands on Marzia’s shoulders. She immediately leaned into the touch, and Elio was blind with envy. They just made sense together in a way that he and Marzia never could. She whispered something into Marzia’s ear, and Marzia giggled and nodded. She stood up and started to walk away, hand in hand with Amelie. Elio didn’t think he could ever be more jealous of anything in his life. 

Marzia turned back after a couple of steps. He thought she was going to say something mean, to tell him that their friendship was over, but instead, she said something else. 

“Pour la vie.” Elio had tears glistening in his eyes as he said it back. “Pour la vie, Marzia.” 

He sat in silence after finishing his ice cream cone. He started to smoke a cigarette and take in the music and commotion of the town. He loved how alive everything was on summer nights. He leaned back and thought about what he would do with the rest of his summer if he should change his name so that Oliver wouldn’t be able to track him down at university. He heard footsteps approach from behind him, he took another drag and turned around. It was the person he expected to see the least: Oliver. 

Oliver walked over to him and stood awkwardly next to him before asking. “How did you get here? Your bike is still at the villa.”

“Walked.” Elio was suddenly the one with the upper hand. He was the one that could answer with cold, one-word statements. What he did grant was a nod at the seat across from him that said, ‘sit down if you want, I couldn’t care less’. Oliver did sit. They stared at each other for a moment, like they were looking at their own reflection, trying to catch it move. 

“I’m happy to see you. Can we talk?” Oliver was the one to break the silence. He was always the brave one. 

“Talk.” One word, but this time, it was weighted, heavy, full of uncertainty and nerves. Elio needed to know what was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr @lilchalamet xoxo


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This has been a wild ride. Thank you to everyone that commented and left kudos, sorry for so many cliff hangers.

“Talk.” One word, but this time, it was weighted, heavy, full of uncertainty and nerves. Elio needed to know what was going on.   
“I know why you’re mad at me. That’s fair.”

Elio laughed and shook his head. Everything was so ridiculous, he wished that he didn’t have to keep being with Oliver to lose him all over again. He didn’t know what he was feeling, but it wasn’t anger. It was getting closer to numb more than anything, but he didn’t want to say that. “I’m not mad, Oliver. I could never be mad at you.” 

“Oh.” Oliver seemed thrown off. Like he had a speech prepared for Elio greeting him with blind rage, but nothing else. 

Elio was scared, but he had to ask a question he had already asked in the days before. He didn’t think that he had gotten the truth that time, but now that they were back to being nothing, if not worse than over the winter months, he thought Oliver would be honest with him. 

“Tell me why you really came here, Oliver. Was it to fuck me and get it out of your system? Was it so that you could make sure that you wanted to be with your fiancé? Was it so that you could be with me for the summer and then leave? That’s what you seem to be good at.” 

Oliver looked stunned. Elio didn’t know he had that anger in him, but he had been sitting alone at the table for a while, and three cocktails got Elio to his true feelings. Elio kept going because it was clear that Oliver wasn’t going to respond anytime soon. 

“And then I ruined your plans, didn’t I? You came here this summer, hoping that I would be a quick soiree and then you would be out the door! You would never have to see me anymore, but I had to go and register to attend the university you work at. That has to be it, isn’t it?” 

Oliver was still silent. Elio laughed until his choked gasps turned into tears. He didn’t want to do this in public. He didn’t want to do this at all. “You don’t have to stay all summer, you know.” 

“I want to.” Oliver had finally said something, he had finally spoken up, and it was three words. Elio burned with unexplained rage. 

“What am I to you?”

“Oliver.” 

“No! No! You are not allowed to do that to me!” 

Oliver practically whispered what he said next. “You are more me than I ever have been and that scares the hell out of me.” 

“Bullshit. If you’re just going to speak in hypotheticals and soliloquies, I am going to go home. Follow me or don’t. I don’t care.” Elio was lying. He cared. He cared so much, he was scared, too. He knew that Oliver would catch his lie, the question was what Oliver would do with that information. Elio didn’t know if he was being brave or stupid, but it reminded him of last summer. Last summer, when he walked inside to play what Oliver loved hearing on the guitar on the piano. When he hoped that Oliver would follow him, and he did. 

When he started walking, he heard the chair slide out and then footsteps, but they were going in the wrong direction. Then, he heard the rolling of wheels going fast coming towards him. He went to move out of the way, thinking it was someone that was trying to bike past him, but it wasn’t. It was Oliver walking his bike and trying to catch up to Elio. Of course, he had biked there, and that was why he went the other way. Elio hated giving him the benefit of the doubt because it hurt so much when he was wrong. 

“Elio, if I talk to you, will you listen?” 

Elio nodded. If this was normal and Oliver hadn’t just ripped his heart out of his chest, he would have made a joke and said ‘no speeches’ but this was too fragile for jokes like that. 

“I have to explain myself. Why I said what I said to you last night.”

Elio wanted to be diplomatic, so he shook his head, not saying anything, but saying too much. Elio didn’t think that Oliver owed him anything, that was the problem, that he at one point thought that he did. Up until last night, he thought they owed to one another some kind of understanding, but that didn’t feel true anymore. Oliver seemed thrown off by Elio not expecting him to explain, but he kept talking anyway. 

“I had gotten used to losing you. I had accepted that my place in your life was permanently in the past. That, in your mind, I would forever be twenty-four and working on my manuscript. I would be a ghost spot in your memory, one that would never be updated. And then you called me. You called me, and I thought that I had to see you before I let you have the world in the palm of your hands. I just know that you’re going to have so many people fighting to have you know them.”

They were getting close to the villa, even though they were walking fairly slowly. They walked through the gate and Oliver put his bike back next to Elio’s. Elio nodded up, suggesting without words that they go to Oliver’s room, and Oliver nodded. 

They walked up the stairs and into Oliver’s room, Oliver shut the door, and it slammed. Another memory, and another thing that Elio would never get back. It didn’t matter that it slammed this time, nothing was going on between them, and if there were prying eyes, all they would see would be the two men in conversation. 

“I’ll stay out of your hair, I promise.” Elio decided that the only way they could end this fight or whatever it was would be to promise to not bother Oliver in the states. He would never try to take a class with him, or show up at his office. It hurt to say that because saying goodbye forever would be easier. It wouldn’t involve the dance of pretending not to see the other person. 

Oliver shook his head. “I don’t want you to have to do that. I just don’t know if I can see you and not feel anything. And I don’t know if I can allow myself to feel anything.” 

Elio was confused. He thought that any possibility of a rekindling had left the building, but it seemed like maybe it hadn’t. He thought that it might be time for the grandest gesture yet. It felt safe to make a confession in the cover of darkness, in the comfort of his own room. Well, Oliver’s room for now. 

“Oliver” Oliver looked up, he didn’t realize that up until now, they hadn’t made eye contact, and Elio was drowning in the pressure of the situation. Fueled by a combination of alcohol, rage, and fear, he pressed on. “You know that it wasn’t fun and games for me last summer, right?”

Oliver nodded, but he knew that Oliver didn’t really know that, or he didn’t accept it fully, in his heart of hearts. “It’s because I’m in love with you.” Elio thought he might faint if Oliver didn’t respond in the next second. He had never held in something so large before, he was always used to just trying to spit out whatever he had to say in order to get his words in. That was until he met Oliver. Oliver, who wasn’t like the other house guests and actually card about what Elio thought. He didn’t immediately side with his parents on Elio speaking out of turn whenever he said anything. He feared now, though, that this was out of turn. 

He didn’t even realize, but he looked away from Oliver’s eyes. He didn’t realize that until he felt a hand on his chin, raising his face back to look at Oliver's head on. “Do you mean that?” Elio had never heard Oliver’s voice sound so small, so scared. 

“I have never said anything truer in my life to anyone.” Elio didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say without parroting Oliver’s words back to him. Oliver was more him than he was himself and vice versa. This had to work out. If it didn’t, Elio made up his mind that he was going to drown himself in the sea. Allow the waves to take him away the same way that he thought they had done to Oliver when he went fishing with Anchise. At least he would die with Oliver knowing his truth. 

“You don’t have to say it back, I hope you know that.” Elio got nervous that he was putting too much pressure on Oliver with his confession. Elio was going to start talking again but he couldn’t. He didn’t understand what was stopping him. He felt like he was suffocating, and then he realized. Oliver was kissing him. Oliver was kissing him, but that wasn’t enough. He didn’t need Oliver to say it back, but he needed Oliver to say something. 

Elio never thought he would be the one to pull away from a kiss, but he had to. “You need to talk to me, Oliver. I still need to know why you don’t want me at your school. That isn’t something I’m just going to forget about.” 

“Because you have the power to break me, Elio.” 

“I would never do something to hurt you, you’re the one that’s always leaving.” 

Oliver didn’t respond. Elio knew he hit a nerve, but he kept pushing through. “I guess I’m some kind of an idiot, but I thought that if I was at the same school as you, you wouldn’t totally forget about me. That’s the least I think I could ask for. But now I know that that won’t work for me. If you just promised not to forget me, or ignore me on campus, that wouldn’t be enough.” 

‘What are you saying, Elio?”

“I want to be with you all the time. I want to be with you when it’s hot and miserable in the summer in New York when it finally breaks and then it’s too cold to do a goddamn thing, for you to come back to the villa for winter, and to be with you when spring hits after the long winter.” 

“That’s the problem. I don’t know if I can give you that.” 

“You don’t have to promise me anything, just let me say this: I think we found the stars and I think you like me and maybe one day you could even love me. If all I’ll ever get from you was last summer and seeing you around New York, I could make myself happy. But will you be happy?”

Elio seemed to finally break through to Oliver. This was not something that he seemed to have even considered. “Oh my god, Oliver, do you ever think about your happiness?”

“I did for a while.” 

“When.”

“Last summer.” 

“And?”

“And when Mary called off the wedding. I thought that I could be happy. I wanted to be happy.”

“And then I called.”

“It was going to be a summer wedding.” 

“When?”

“Yesterday.” 

It hit Elio harder than anything Oliver had ever said to him. One word and he nearly fell off the bed he was barely sitting on. 

“Was that why-“

“Why I was a gigantic prick last night?”

“I wouldn’t use those words.”

“I would. I wish that could be my excuse. But it’s not the full one. I’m scared Elio.”

Elio took a deep breath and closed one eye. This is what he did when he thought really hard about something. He looked up at Oliver and saw that he really did look scared. 

“Why are you scared?”

“Because I love you, too, Elio.” Elio’s mouth opened wide and his eyes wider. He thought maybe he heard Oliver wrong. 

“What?”

“You heard me.”

Elio just shook his head. 

“I love you, Elio.” 

Elio jumped on top of Oliver to straddle him. Everything felt so familiar and at the same time, so new. They weren’t fumbling around for the first time, they were lovers and not just that, they were in love. Elio knew that this was going to be the best summer of his life. He wanted to bottle up this feeling and never let it go. 

“Does this mean you aren’t mad at me for coming to your school in the fall?”

“Yes, you goose.” 

They laid down, it was quite late now, their feelings had taken a long time to get out. When Oliver’s breathing had evened out, and Elio knew he was asleep, he whispered what he knew to be true, now. 

“Cor cordium, pour la vie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If y'all want, and or if I have the energy, I might write an epilogue to this, to see them in New York. hmu if you want that 
> 
> find me on tumblr at @/lilchalamet


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here it is, the final chapter. thank you for reading and commenting, it really means a lot

9 MONTHS LATER (MARCH)

Elio woke up alone. This was probably his least favorite way to wake up ever since he moved in with Oliver. The only good thing about it was that he got to stretch out and really wake his body up. This almost always got interrupted by Pistachio, their cat. Oliver was not interested in getting a cat, but as soon as they saw the beautiful grey cat, it was all over for Oliver. He melted at the shelter and immediately started filling out a form.

Elio found a note on Oliver’s pillow like he always left. Oliver loved leaving Elio notes because a couple months ago, he had confessed how much Oliver returning his note with “grow up, meet me at midnight” meant to him. It read, “see you in class, love Oliver”. 

They hadn’t started Elio’s college career living together, but eventually, it just happened. Elio had a lot of his stuff in Oliver’s small studio apartment and was staying there every night. It didn’t help that he hated his roommate. He would never understand how the random assignment put him with someone that he didn’t like so much. They had nothing in common, and he was always bringing girls over. It wasn’t like he could have Oliver just drop by since he was a fairly popular assistant professor. Especially with the girls, Elio noticed at first begrudgingly. The first semester, he wasn’t signed up for any of the classes that Oliver was assisting for a couple of reasons. They were all full, and Oliver wanted Elio to make some friends in his first semester. This earned a fairly dramatic eye roll from Elio, but he acquiesced and that’s what he did. 

Elio was the one to bring up their living situation. He brought up that they had already lived together for like, three months over the summer and it was really great. Over the time that they had fallen in deeper love, what Elio referred to as real love, everyone at the house became used to it. Even Mafalda was okay with it by the end of the summer. She told Elio’s mom that she had suspicions, but Annella kept her lips sealed. Eventually, she figured it out on her own, when she walked in on the two of them. Thankfully, they were both fully clothed and were only kissing. Elio was thankful for this small miracle every day. 

Eventually, after they had gone the whole semester and Elio was still sure about them living together, Oliver let it happen. Oliver thought that Elio would somehow change his mind about wanting to be with him, which is probably the most ridiculous thing that Elio had ever heard. He laughed for about two minutes when Oliver said that before realizing he wasn’t kidding. Oliver also met Elio’s nightmare of a roommate, Greg, who would not be tolerable even if they shared mansion. He was actually in one of Oliver’s classes, and Elio discovered that he knew Greg when he was complaining about the arrogant asshole that was always all over the girls in his class. Elio threw back at him that the girls were only looking at him anyway. That was one of the biggest fights they had in the states. 

Elio was constantly worried that he wasn’t enough for Oliver. That Oliver would leave him for a lot of reasons. He wasn’t a girl, he wasn’t interesting after a certain amount of time, he was only entertaining in the summer when there was free time and no stress. When they fought about this, it was a fight with love. Oliver would leave little love notes all over the house, on the coffee pot, on the mirror in their bathroom, on the front door and in their closet. When Elio would get ready in the mid-morning, he would see them and it would calm his fears down. 

Elio stretched to get up and get dressed. He had the class that Oliver TA’d in first, and even though they had been dating officially for almost 7 months, he still wanted to look good for Oliver. It wasn’t public knowledge that Elio and Oliver were together, but pretty much anyone with eyes could tell. The girls that were in love with Oliver couldn’t tell, but that was a different story. Sometimes, Oliver would tell Elio that in the class he was in with him the girls were looking at Elio more than him. Elio scoffed at this. He wouldn’t notice, after all, he was only looking at Oliver. 

It was nearing spring break and Elio couldn’t wait. He had somehow convinced his parents, Marzia and Vimini to come to New York to be with them for Easter. None of them were incredibly religions, but he was excited to see them for the first time since being back at the villa over winter break. The villa. Oliver had come to stay at the villa over winter break and it was the best two weeks of Elio’s life. He never expected that he would see Oliver in Crema in the snow. Oliver got Elio a present for Hanukah, even though he told him there was absolutely no need. He supposed he was being a little bit hypocritical because he had also gotten Oliver something. 

Oliver had stolen Billowy from Elio without him noticing and had ‘cor cordium’ embroidered on the sleeve. When Elio opened it, he laughed, telling Oliver he had already given this for him. Oliver shook his head and pointed at the cuff of the left sleeve. 

“Now you don’t just have your heart on your sleeve, but you have mine too.” 

Elio blushed. He was not used to this kind of attention, especially not from Oliver. His mother told him later that he had sat down with her and his father and made sure that it was okay that they were officially dating during the summer before. They had both given their blessings and told him that they already saw him as a son-in-law. Mafalda had also weighed in, leaning in to eavesdrop from the kitchen that it was about damn time that they were together officially. It made sense that they were all okay with it, because, at times, it seemed like Oliver was more adored in Crema than Elio was. 

Elio had given him something, too. It was a postcard that he had found of New York. It didn’t have anything written on the back before he got it, but that’s what he wanted. On the back, he wrote, “passer l’éponge”, a clean slate. He wanted Oliver to have a postcard that wasn’t muddled with faded German, or, even worse, Maynard. He wished he could go back in time and take back the lengths of time that Oliver ever thought that there was something going on with him and Maynard. But, that was the past, and now, things were amazing. 

Oliver didn’t have to ask what it meant, he just knew. He told Elio that he would frame it and put it next to the other one as soon as they got home. Elio raised his eyebrow at this. 

“As soon as we get home?”

Oliver sheepishly handed him another box, it said Elio’s name on it as well. 

“Are you kidding me? Did you get me two presents? You are too much.” 

Elio opened it and gasped. It was the key to Oliver’s apartment. 

“Yeah, when we get home. You basically already live there anyway, so I figured why not get you away from Greg for good?” Elio and his parents both laughed at this. Greg was the topic of many a long-distance phone call between him and his parents. He was infuriating, but his mother thought it would be a part of the growing up process, how he was going to have a real college experience. Elio didn’t care to go out with Greg and get hammered on the weekends, he wanted to be wrapped up with Oliver, laughing about something dumb that a student said in one of their classes. 

Oliver didn’t know that they were all coming to New York for their spring break. It was killing him not to tell Oliver, so instead, he talked to Pistachio about it as soon as his parents had called saying they had booked the flight and rooms. He told the cat all about the fun they were going to have and how surprised Oliver was going to be. One time, Oliver heard the tail end of Elio gushing to Pistachio, and asked him about it. 

“This is our special bonding time, thank you very much. We are discussing private matters.” 

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?” 

And, just like that, he was in their tiny pool in Crema, pretending to read music while he tried to stealthily check Oliver out. He was trapped in the private world that he feared would always be that way. He wished he could tell past Elio that all of this would happen, but he was glad that it wasn’t easy. 

“I’m not going to tell you.” Oliver smiled a private smile, then. He recognized this as a conversation they had had in the past, too. Elio loved how quickly they got on the same page, especially in class when they couldn’t outright talk to each other, and had to communicate with eye contact. 

Finally, it was spring break. Well, it would be after the class that Oliver and Elio were stuck in got out. Elio was nervously checking his watch because he wanted to be able to get home before his parents and the others got there. He wanted Oliver to be fully surprised and that wouldn’t work if they arrived at the door at the same time. Oliver noticed that he was checking his watched and barely contained his laugh. It was the same nervous energy as the day he was waiting for midnight. Oliver didn’t know why he was so stressed, but his leaned over and whispered something in the professor’s ear, and he nodded. 

“Ok guys, Oliver just made a good point. There are five minutes left, and I have pretty much lost all of you to spring break, so just get out of here and have a good time. Try not to think too much about the philosophers, I don’t want any of you having unsupervised existential crises.” 

Everyone sprang up. Elio took his time. He was used to this routine. The professor knew about Elio and Oliver somehow but seemed not to care, so Elio and Oliver didn’t care. He packed up his stuff with careful precision. His pencils and pens neatly arranged all facing the same direction, his papers tucked away nicely in his trapper keeper. He looked over and saw that Oliver and his professor were talking about something. Oliver looked over and Elio rolled his eyes pointedly. Oliver said something to the professor and he nodded with a laugh and Oliver walked over to him. 

“May I escort you to the subway? It’s dangerous out there on those streets.” This was Oliver’s favorite joke. No one really ever noticed that they walked out of the university together, and if they did, no one ever said anything. 

“Okay, but we have to hurry.” Elio was bursting at the seams with excitement. He told Oliver everything, and this was the hardest secret he had ever had to keep from him. He knew that Oliver could tell there was something going on, but decided to let him have this surprise. 

When they finally got back to the apartment, Elio run-dragging Oliver most of the way from the subway, Elio let out a breath of air. They had gotten to the apartment before his family had. He got the key out of his pocket and started to open the door, but it was cracked open. He started to panic. He never left the door unlocked. He knew he was the last one to leave the house and Oliver would kill him if he let something happen to the house. 

He started to turn to Oliver to apologize when Oliver leaned past him and pushed the door open. 

“SURPRISE!!” It was his whole family. He looked at Oliver. 

“You knew.” 

“I knew.” 

“But I was supposed to be the one surprising you!”

The whole family laughed. Apparently, Oliver had called the family in the weeks before to ask them to come over for spring break because he knew that Elio was feeling homesick. Elio started crying when he heard this, and his whole family gathered around him to hug him. 

He had never felt at home as much as he did before this moment. Surrounded by his family and the people he loved the most, he finally felt like he could breathe again. It was now that he realized he was holding his breath. He needed his family and Oliver in the same place, but that wasn’t possible all the time. 

“That’s not the only surprise, Elio.” Oliver had a twinkle in his eyes. Or maybe he was crying. 

“I’m going to be teaching here in the fall, and we found a little house to live in for the semester.” That was his father. 

“And I’m doing a semester abroad here, to work on my English degree.” Marzia was also going to be here, too. 

“But what about Amelie?”

“She’ll be here, too, we’re both studying abroad,” Marzia said this with a huge smile on her face. Elio was so happy that they were still happy together. He had never had so much love in his heart before and it was hurting his chest. 

“Okay, we have reservations for dinner, shall we?” Oliver grabbed his hand and walked him towards the door of the apartment, behind his family. 

While Oliver was locking the door, he looked at Elio. 

“Pour la vie, Elio.”

“Pour la vie.” 

They went to the restaurant, which was Elio’s favorite place to eat in the city, something he had never even told Oliver, but it was where he went when he needed to get away from Greg. The conversation at the Italian place was loud and happy, everyone drinking wine and talking over each other. It felt like they were back at the villa. It meant that even when they were really far away from the villa, they were able to recreate the magic of Italy, the magic of Rome and the bookstore, the happiness he felt being with Oliver and his family. 

He made eye contact with Marzia across the table, who was beaming. This was the first time that he had seen her since they fought that night out, and she mouthed “pour la vie” in his direction. He knew they were going to be okay, but it was nice that she confirmed it. For the first time, he wasn’t sad when he looked at her, he was genuinely happy that she was happy. 

He looked over to Oliver and Vimini deep in conversation. He was happy that Vimini was able to fly out to New York. That, it turned out, was a surprise to Oliver, as he was told that she wouldn’t be able to make the flight. They were laughing and talking, and Elio was once again grateful that they had found each other. They were the same soul, and Oliver needed Vimini to be open with and to have someone to trust, even though she was young. 

Finally, he looked over at his parents. They were talking to each other, but they looked over at him at the same time. They smiled, proud of the small world that they were able to build at the hole in the wall place that Elio loved so much. 

“Dessert, anyone?” Elio’s dad always knew what to say. Everyone cheered, and they ordered enough ice cream to feed all of Crema.

-Fin-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sad to let this story go, but i'll write more. 
> 
> send me a message on tumblr if you have any ideas you want me to write: lilchalamet


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